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The Muse

October 26, 2005

Hold my hand, hold my heart

Its been a tiring week. Lots of work, and a lot of news that has forced me to think and introspect, and thinking is tiring. I'm planning a trip to Vegas this weekend - now that will be relaxing !!.

Well, anyways, I was talking and reading a lot about the marriage process and how it has evolved over the years. Guys and girls have a lot more expectations and higher standards from their prospective partners nowadays. Part of this can be attributed to the increase in exposure that people are getting - lots of travel, lot of opportunities to meet people, lots of friends [of both sexes]. Part of this is also because our movies are getting slightly more intelligent [the guy does not attempt suicide every time the girl says no].Part of this is because we are learning from our mistakes, and are refining the process as we go along [all these wahooo websites, matrimonials and all that are trying to match people in ways you would never think of]

Among these things, there has been a really strong, silent movement where a lot of people are starting to "arrange their own marriages". How many of you can relate to this experience? Let's look at this - so the guy is working in a company, and he is friends with our girl in the next cubicle or neighboring company or whatever [just friends people]. After a couple of years or so, he has got his first Yamaha and all that cool stuff, and is now thinking about "settling" down [or his relatives have decided that its time they had a get together or a good lunch, so a wedding is needed]. Cut to the girl, almost exactly the same circumstances [you can substitute a Kinetic Honda for the Yamaha maybe] and voila! Marriage! The next thing you know, the guy and girl are in love, they sell their two two-wheelers to get one four wheeler and then arrange their marriages through their parents.

Now, if this happens once in a while I can maybe understand how love might have blossomed. It is too much of a stretch to accept this when it keeps happening every Tuesday. My take on this is that people are choosing this as an alternative to the traditional arranged or love marriage option. Everyone is shitting their pants when you talk about arranged marriage, as you think of all the possible scenarios [what if the girl is actually a guy? or what if the guy has uneven feet? or what if the guy has a tail? and so on]. On the other hand, people don't find love that easily either, as we don't really have that much of an open society in schools [except maybe where my brothers go] and colleges [except Mepco Schlenk], despite what everyone says. It is open, but only to the adventurous [like me!]. It becomes really open when you start working but that is a bit too late for love to find you, unless you are lucky [like me!]. But even then, you have to work hard or you will mess it up [like me!].

So now, what is happening is that, people are getting married out of sheer convenience and labeling it love, as it somehow makes it sound better. In addition to convincing themselves that they are in love, the participants also convince themselves that they have cleverly avoided the pitfalls of an arranged or love marriage scenario.

I can see where this is an intelligent decision for some, but I am totally against this. And my reason for this [other than the fact that this is my blog] is that it kind of takes the approach of saying, "I like this girl/guy, who knows who I will get if I wait, let me play it safe and take what I have right now".

When I get married, I am sure that I will fight, I will be obstinate, I will be stupid, I will be angry, I will be sad, I will be inconsiderate, I will be dumb, but I will also be able to make up, be understanding, have intelligent conversations, be forgiving, be happy, be kind and be caring. I am going to see her smile each morning and look into her eyes each night [1], for the rest of my life. And I should and can be all of these only with someone whom I truly,totally and absolutely love.

I guess what I'm saying is - don't give up on love guys! I can see your arguments saying that well, "why can't I fall in love with this girl whom I know and like, after I get married?" And my answer is simple - not likely to happen. Think...if you see, and talk and hang out with this girl or guy for three years and nothing happens, but you suddenly fall in love only when people are forcing you to get married, then the chances are that it is really not the kind of love I am talking about. On the other hand, if you get hitched to someone through the arranged marriage paradigm, then that person is someone unique, someone who the family thinks will make you happy and so that is a different kind of love, a kind of love that is inherent due to our culture and so on, and it can evolve,develop and blossom [or go kaput], but it atleast gives you a shot at getting the kind of life that makes living worthwhile.

You can like people, and hold hands with a lot of them, but like Michelle Branch croons, its only with certain people that its true that "when you hold my hand, you hold my heart"[2]. You get the opportunity, and the privilege, to love only a few. So make it count.


  • Hi Ram:

    I am surprised at no one commenting on this wonderful post. This post is very thought provoking and also very logical (at least to me!). Being in love has also become fashionable these days, so people try to be in love :))

    Is this your own thought or copy paste from somewhere? ;) jus kidding ;)

    By Blogger Sattvic, at 9:00 PM  

  • Interesting post...I think I can write a pretty fine "gaatha" about the situation and "ways to get married". Why is something hip and the other not hip. Why is everything seggerated. From your post I gathered 3 kinds of possibilities to get married...I used to think I want to have a love marrige....But it never worked as I dont think I believed in it strongly...Then I got to the juncture where i told my parents tht they can screen a guy for me and I will get to know him for a mimimum of 6 months and then get married to him...I also said I didnt want to see the physical aspects of this guy nor did I want him to see me and like me first for outwardly looks...I wanted to take time and learn the inside and if I like the inside, Iwould go ahead....So my wedding happened in a scenario where parents were involved, I am glad they were, they screened one guy and the rest was up to us...How we wanted to communicate etc etc...So was mine an arranged marriage or a love marriage or wht was it...I dont want to know the answer nor do I tell anyone the answer- I got married to someone I like and who likes me in return...I dont have to say wht sort of a path I took to get married as its not relevant....I met my hubbs only 2 days before the wedding...not coz we were forced to meet at the last minute , but coz thts when he got his leave....it sounds scary to many but it was one of the coolest things I ever did...
    So its a long story.........

    You have depicted all the scenes so very well here...I was thinking about my office and how ppl got married suddenly..I always thought it was love marriage until I read the new istyle of marriage!!!

    :) :)

    By Blogger SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP, at 12:55 PM  

  • Hey Scribblez, you story of how you got married sounds intriguing to say the least! I wonder how many people will have that kind of opportunity though - first, to have two people who are not too bothered about physical attributes, and second to have families who are willing to allow you guys to just communicate and get to know you for months without any sort of pressure. You know what I mean right? You have parents and family pressure on one side, then you just say you want to "get to know him/her" for a period of time and everything else is supposed to follow after that.

    I totally can see how that would work. And very happy that you were fortunate to have such a great partner. I wish that were the case in other people's lives too. Especially down south, the practice is to stop the analysis phase at the family level itself, and the two people involved just get to see each other, talk for five or ten minutes and that's it.

    In any case, why label stuff as love or arranged or arranged love or whatever? As long as it works well for all concerned, its all good!

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. !

    By Blogger Ram, at 4:23 PM  

  • hey there,
    i find your writing captivating...and if you didnt live half way across the world i would love to meet you...to find out just what makes you tick...
    will keep blogging in the meanwhile.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:56 AM  

  • Aw shucks! Thanks...

    I do hope that I get to meet you sometime too. In this day and age, you never know where you're going to go. Distances, countries and continents are just mere miles, right?

    By Blogger Ram, at 11:36 PM  

  • Ram: Just thinking how I missed this this post hmmm
    Well mine was an arranged marriage and ther was no big lines as wat brokers/ community people/ friends and relatives do. I saw one guy and thaz it. I told my parents if the guy likes me let him come and thaz shud be the final. No doll house at all.
    Before we got married, we had 6 months to know each other and thaz how we knew and talked a lot. I am happy to have him in my life and thaz wat it is.
    The first 1/2 years can be little difficult to adjust to the new family and surroundings. Ther can always be a small rift and challenges and its shud be a give and take policy. If we think to be stubborn, we will be the loser.

    By Anonymous priya, at 4:38 PM  

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